I THINK I'M A ZOMBIE?

I recently saw a commercial where a mom stumbles out of bed and is just going through the motions of life and her son sees her disheveled look and screams out that she's a MOMBIE!!! A little word play on Zombie.  I laughed at first until I realized it perfectly captured how I have been feeling for years.  I go through all the motions. Do what I'm supposed to do, go where I'm supposed to go, say what I'm supposed to say.  I have the classic case of where life runs you , you don't run your life.  I've allowed it to happen and have almost hit the stall button on me.

I've made it pretty clear that I have two very challenging kids that happen to be the same age and are in the crappy phase of their early teen years.  They both struggle with reactive attachment disorder.  You'll have to look it up to understand it, but what it looks like from a caregiver perspective is pure chaos and unrelenting disrespect and negative behavior.  Yes I know boys will be boys, but this is radically different from that I assure you.  I can say that we are just wrapping up our most unsuccessful summer on record.  It was just plain awful for everyone who lives here.  No fun at all.  One heads back to school in the morning and the other in a week.  I know that once on a routine with school things will settle back to our normal level of dysfunction and we'll all be ok again.  My head knows this, but my heart wants more than ok.

I've told my sister this and I've apologized even, but I remember years ago visiting her in between appointments at home with her four small children  and thinking to myself.  "For God sake girl, get it together."  You're home all day, why are you not dressed?  What have you been doing all day?  Fast forward now and I know exactly why she wasn't dressed and it appeared she hadn't done anything.  I not only get it, I'm stuck in it.  Somewhere along the way since becoming a mom in 2005, I have managed to completely lose myself.  I don't want to sound like a martyr or woe is me, because I am very aware that I have allowed this to happen and I spend hours thinking about it, but never take the action steps necessary to change anything.  I think I am just completely and totally mentally exhausted.  The idea of doing anything outside of necessary survival sounds completely overwhelming to me.  Social media is the worst because I see people really living their lives.  I realized today that this summer I spend all day just working toward when we get to go to bed because that is one more day over with.  That my friends is not living, but simply existing.

I really am a MOMBIE!  I have adopted a very specific uniform over the years. In winter you will see me in jeans and some sort of long sleeve cotton shirt (usually black) and in summer you'll see me in jean carpi's with a short sleeve cotton shirt (usually black) and flip flops.  My hair in the claw clip that went out of style about 10 years ago and very little makeup if any.  My appearance and my clothes have no priority in my life at all.  I could easily count on one hand how many times I've gone shopping for me in the last 10 years.  I just purged out my closet and filled 6 very large outdoor garbage bags full of old clothes.  I just kept them because they made me feel like I had clothes.  The skirt and blouse I wore to my nieces first communion...she's 24 now.  The sweater I wore to Nick's baby shower....he'll be 15 in January.  You get the point.  It's a miracle if I get my hair done once a year and I do not get mani's and pedi's.  I've been wearing the same earrings everyday for well over 5 years.  Sometimes I wonder if I should get my woman card revoked!

I know so many people who are doing life coaching and fitness coaching and just loving life and being active. I read up on their latest workout or low calorie meal and think to myself.  "What made them do that?' Why do they care so much?'  It's like my built in give a shit button is broken.  There is not point in my day EVER that I think, boy I really need to get a walk or run in today or I wonder how many calories were in that sandwich I just ate.  I swear I did not get that gene.  I see people who truly care about what they put in their bodies, how they look and how they feel.  it's truly a beautiful and very necessary thing and yet one I do not partake in at all.  I have to wonder if this stems from the saying you have to love yourself to love others well.  I have always had very low self esteem.  I mentioned that in previous posts.  Probably the coke bottle glasses, infertility, being overweight...I don't know, pick one.  Despite this I have always tried to be upbeat and persevere, but I wonder if it's just all too much anymore and I've just let it suck me dry.

I really need to resurrect myself from this state of zombie like death and get a life.  I hope you'll join me in prayer as I humbly ask God to show me the way back to the person He created me to be.  I just want to have the energy to care and to make even one tiny real and purposeful step in the right direction with no excuses and no quitting or turning back.  If I lived out the life I think about in my head, it would be a beautiful thing.  I truly have hope that i can somehow push through the negativity and crushing disappointment that come with the current situation I am in.  I want so badly to end watching days, weeks, months and years drift by as I sit here stuck in my head and stuck in a rut.  I know that this upcoming move would be a marvelous chance to make a fresh start.  I don't think anyone would like to see that happen more than me.

John has worked so hard all summer around working full time to get our house ready to sell.  We've got all new carpet in the lower level,  a new A/C and furnace, new garage door and fresh paint top to bottom.  We are so so close and I can hardly wait to be out from such a large responsibility.  Big house equals big messes, big bills, big time cleaning and maintenance.  I treasure the idea of a very simple space, simple life and God willing a little authentic peace and joy for all of us.