A REALLY ROUGH (TYPICAL) DAY!

Honesty, I love it.  I'm a very honest person, sometimes to a fault.  I expect it from others and I truly try to be as honest as I can and authentic in whatever I do and whomever I interact with.  The funny thing about this is that the people I am closest too and spend the most time with lie like it's involuntary like taking a breath or their heart beating.  I'm convinced it's hard wired in their brains when they were little and traumatized by their very unsure and difficult infancies.  No matter why and no matter how much I try to understand or have empathy for all the reasons.  It takes me to my knees every single time.  It can take the wind out of my sails and deflate me in a matter of seconds.  I get so overwhelmed and hurt every single time.  I spend more time wondering why I can't just deal with it or accept it that the lie itself took to say or do.

So why do I care so much?  I think for me it's a control thing.  It makes me feel so out of control because over the years I've become almost paranoid.  It affects every decision and I have to agonize over every simple question that is asked of me because I don't trust anyone and I feel like I will get burned no matter what I do.  This entire dynamic has made parenting for me so friggin hard.  I wanted to be a mom so badly and when I get in these pits, I wonder why?  I question everything and I feel like a complete and total fraud and failure.  Ask anyone close to me.  When people tell me I'm so amazing for taking all these kids, I kind of shutter, because i feel anything but amazing.  It's ugly around here and it doesn't look pretty.  We yell all the time, seem to be constantly mad and frustrated and most days spinning our wheels.  It feels like that movie GroundHog Day here everyday.  I'm waiting for Sonny and Cher to be on the radio and for it all to start over again.  I don't feel very inspired ever and I sometimes feel like I'm on a babysitting job and the parents just won't come home.

It this honest enough for ya?  I know that people all have issues and put their best stuff on Facebook like I do, but when I see others having seemingly normal lives with their kids, I get so jealous and frustrated that we can't just have that.  Why does EVERYTHING have to be hard here?  I'm posing a ton of questions here, but I don't have some great theological, inspiring reason to wrap this up in a pretty bow.  I hope someday I will and I hold on to that.  I know God is with me and that He has called me to be these kids mom at this time and so I move forward everyday.  I sometimes remind my self that if I was a meek, soft spoken, weak, afraid personality, I would've taken myself out a long time ago.  I guess God knew i needed to be a mean, tough SOB to survive this season and God willing will forgive me and help my kids move past the hurts, bad habits and behaviors that plague them now.

Every parent wants their kids to "turn out good".  I'm no different and everyday I question if that will ever happen.  I never dreamed I'd have to do so much life coaching every single day just to get through playing outside or putting out ten fires because a friend stopped over.  I know I'm being vague, but I don't have the energy to explain what all the dynamics R.A.D., A.D.H.D., F.A.S.D., Tourettes, O.D.D. and all the other crap we deal with here look like.  Feel free to check it out on your own.  I don't have any biological children and so I don't see myself and my habits in my kids, but I see potential and I see their frustration too.  I hope we can figure this all out and one day look back and laugh.  Until then I will pray and complain which is how I release tension and keep moving forward.

HURRY UP AND WAIT!

I think it was only a day or two after Steven's graduation party in early June.  I was posting some pictures on Facebook when a random home popped up on a Zillow ad.  It was a beautiful lake home on none other than Gun Lake, our favorite.  Of course my curiosity took over and I just had to check it out.  By the time I was done I had mentally moved in all of our stuff and was sipping coffee out on the deck enjoying the sunrise at the lake.  I showed John the ad and we both got a little giddy about the idea and price.  I'd say this is what really stirred us up to get a move on.

We knew when we moved into this house that we wouldn't be able to stay forever.  We have probably stayed about three years too long,  but with Steven's unique challenges on the FASD spectrum, we didn't want to interrupt his routine and school schedule.  He was doing great and the idea of training a new administration about his challenges was more than we wanted to take on.  It is very clearly God's will for us to move now.  The last time I felt so sure and calm about anything was during Matthew's adoption and we all know how awesome that turned out.  This is what drives me to just keep moving forward, but trusting God for the details and where we will end up.  I know He has an amazing plan for us regardless if that is lake life right now.

Just a few short days after seeing that ad on Zillow, the boys and I took a ride to Gun Lake to check out the house.  The second I pulled onto the dusty, obscure road my stomach sank a bit.  There was debris everywhere and the area looked like a junk yard.  Here in the middle of all this crap is this beautiful home.  No garage, storage or any real parking.  It was bizarre.  The surrounding homes looked like something out of Sanford and Sons.  I started humming the theme song as we looked around.  If you know me you know sarcasm helps me cope.  Ignoring the no trespassing signs I peaked in every window and door to see that the realtor must've used a fisheye lens when he took the pictures that made it look about ten times larger than it was.  It was still lovely, but I felt this immediate feeling of sadness and disappointment.  I thought that was so strange since I live in a lovely home and we hadn't really discussed moving.  A fire was lit inside of me and I just couldn't ignore it.  We spoke to a really nice gentleman that lived a couple doors down and he explained that the house was sinking into the lake, hence the amazing price.

That evening I told John all about it and he seemed as bummed as I was.  This is when we had one of our change directions, full throttle ahead, life changing talks.  When that conversation ended, we were in full agreement that it was time to move and that we both wanted to find a lake home.  To our complete surprise all of the boys were excited about the idea, even if that meant new schools.  That's when I knew this was from God.  We went into immediate let's fix the ten years of damage mode on our current home.   I woke up the next morning to John packing everything he owns in our room.  He had picked up a ton of boxes at a local store and had them piled high in the living room.  He scrubbed our bathroom so he could paint.  I was like..."oh wow, he's not wasting any time, I better get moving!"

We have a new furnace and A/C.  We replaced all of the basement carpet.  We filled a sixteen yard dumpster with old carpet, broken stuff, yard debris, junk from every drawer, closet and under every bed.  I could literally fill another dumpster.  We are on a mission.  John is painting everything and everywhere and I'm packing up, selling, giving away everything not nailed down.  Cleaning, sorting and so on.  Our home looks like someone threw in a grenade and walked away.  It gets worse before it gets

better.....RIGHT?

It is so liberating to reduce stuff.  For me it also reduces stress.  I am the opposite of a hoarder, I'm more of a minimalist.  Unfortunately I live with all adopted people who have suffered so many losses, so everything is a treasure.  Sometimes it's hard to find a balance.  Everyone seems to understand that we will most likely be cutting our living space in half and that we have to reduce our stuff big time.  As destructive as my kids are I wonder if we'll ever get out of here trying to fix old damage and new damage...LOL!

I'm staring at my driveway right now that has a pile of dirt, a pile of stone and a pile of mulch just waiting to be utilized.  Unfortunately for me life goes on and I live with five men who make a ton of gross laundry and are never full.  Off I go to hopefully chip away at a junk drawer I can go through or a linen closet.

MAKING OUR WORLD SMALLER

I can't say for sure, but I think I was about four years old when my parents purchased an old red cottage on Devils Lake in Manitou Beach, Michigan.  I didn't know it at the time, but that cottage would become my forever happy place.  No matter where I've been in the world, that cottage has my heart.  There was nothing remarkable about this cottage either.  We had no air conditioning, no heat, slanted floors, spiders, no dishwasher, steep narrow steps, a tiny kitchen, no cable or VCR.  Why so great then?  It holds every happy memory from my childhood.  I laughed more, played more, used my imagination more, relaxed more, day dreamed more, explored more, tried new things more and felt safe and accepted there.  To this day when I am having a great dream and I remember it, I was always at the cottage in that dream.  Over the years my parents painted it yellow and did some fixing up, but it was still just an old cottage house.  Now that I'm a mom of a big family I truly understand the amount of work my mom put into every wonderful weekend spent there.  It's a family joke that people would show up with their entire family for a weekend and bring a watermelon.  My mom was the greatest hostess of all time.  I had no idea what she went through to keep up that place and feed us non-stop.  I am pretty sure the cottage is a huge reason I wanted to be a mom so badly because my mom always made it such a wonderful experience.  She had rainy day activities and I honestly don't remember ever complaining about being bored.  It was a magical place for me that holds countless memories.

As a child I wore very, very thick glasses and needed them to see.  I wore them if I was in a swim meet or playing softball or riding my bike.  I had no other choice.  I had braces too like many other kids and in eighth grade had to start wearing a scoliosis brace twenty-four hours a day.  I honestly sound like a bad country music song when i write this stuff out.  I guess what I'm getting at is that I was teased and suffered from pretty low self-esteem most of my life.  The cottage was a safe place for me.  A place to just be me no matter what the world had thrown my way.  It was a small sanctuary in a world full of chaos.

John grew up under very difficult circumstances that most kids don't have to deal with.  He was adopted by his parents when he was around one and very wanted and loved by them.  His father suffered a heart attack when he was very young and went on to be very ill most of John's life in and out of the hospital.  John spent countless hours in waiting rooms or living with relatives while dad was sick.  His mother suffered from mental illness as well and was often in and out of the hospital herself.  It was a roller coaster for him, but he had a deep love and respect for his parents and a sense of duty and responsibility to care for them and their needs.  He was kind of always the man of the house. I'm sure this is why he is in the medical field today.  His one bright light was camping at Sonny's camp ground.  Most of his relatives had campers like his parents and he spent wonderful weekends, swimming, fishing, playing cards and having camp fires.  He loved his time there and for him it was his happy place and sanctuary from it all.

We have both always said we don't want to retire in Florida, but on a lake.  That sounded great in theory, but we have lots of kids of different ages in different stages of life.  We are rooted in a community and we don't know any different than this suburban lifestyle.  Every passing year our job as parents has become more and more difficult due to issues we face through no fault of our own or even that of our kids.  The kids who are still with us at home struggle with a myriad of issues mostly rooted in early childhood trauma.  The time they spent in orphanages and the losses they suffered so early on in life.  Reactive attachment disorder or RAD is a constant companion in our home.  I am no doctor and I could list all of the definitions, symptoms and reasons the boys struggle with this, but the truth is their brains were just hard wired early on to not trust others and to not believe they are worthy of happiness or good things, so they sabotage everyone and everything that is good in their lives.  The I'll hurt you before you hurt me thing.  We deal with lying, stealing, sneaking, school issues, broken rules, destruction of property, no cause and effect, no remorse or empathy and a seemingly endless entitlement list.  Special events are targeted, looking forward to something is pointless and not having a schedule is detrimental to all involved.  I make it sound horrible and most of the time it is, but it's our reality and because we have no biological children, we don't really know exactly what we're missing.  It's hard not to take the behaviors personally, but it's even harder to take the isolation and judgement of others.  Our kids seem completely normal and sweet to the outside world.  It's the people in the trenches fighting to love them that take the brunt of the behavior.  it's taken me over ten years to understand what we are up against and to not care what anyone else thinks about what I'm dealing with.  I had to pull up my big girl pants, pull away for a bit and just do the dirty work of being the mom who can't let her kids do what every other kid their age is doing....and for good reason.  We are not a normal family so why on earth we think we can live a normal life here in suburbia and have it all be wonderful is really very comical when I think about it.

John and I have come to realize that we are not getting any younger and our boys are not changing and able to traverse life among their peers in a world full of technology and temptations that their brains are unable to handle and cope with.  We are the square peg family trying so hard to live in the round hole neighborhood.  The place we live is absolutely wonderful, full of amazing people and families, we just know our kids issues and limitations and it makes it hard to blend in when you look like a crazy helicopter parent at all times.  John and I are exhausted from being mad and tense all the time.  We are tired of constantly reigning our boys in from the constant influx of videos and other inappropriate things they are easily exposed to and most of all we are tired of seeing how tired our boys are of it all.  They need to be free to be who God made them to be and it's time for us to find a way to make that a reality.

Through much prayer and discernment, John and I are hoping to make our dream come true and provide a more isolated, safe environment for the boys but with tons and tons of freedom and fun things for them to do.  We don't even want them to realize what we are doing.  We have been working tirelessly to get our home fixed up and pulled together to sell.  We know God is calling us to move and we are excited about that.  It can't be too far since John loves his current job so much.  We have no idea where we will end up, but our prayer and dream is that it would be to a lake house somewhere.  Something small and easily manageable so we can spend our weekends playing and making happy memories rather than begging our kids to try to follow countless directions to keep up our big, beautiful life in the suburbs.  My hope and prayer is that this move and home God leads us to will one day be seen in the eyes of my kids as their happy place.

TWO DREAMS

Here we go again!  About every 10 years or so John and I loose our minds and have some kind of life crisis that sends us in a direction we had never planned on in the first place.  The marriage and life we live together doesn't look anything like I imagined it would.  That isn't a bad thing, just the truth.  I had really put us in a box as far as what life should look like.  We met, fell in lust, got married too quickly and too young, planned to work good jobs, have babies and happily live in suburbia forever.  Let's just say after the get married too young part things went a little off course.  Somehow we ended up doing lots of these plans, only backwards.

Let me explain.  We met in high school and got married two and a half years later.  John was a nursing student and I had dropped out of college to work full time making the big bucks to support us.  Well that's what we thought at least.  The honeymoon ended pretty quickly once we realized we didn't make nearly enough money to live on our own and we had absolutely no idea what we were doing.  We had each other and our naive dreams and that was about it.  Life was hard, but we were having a ton of fun playing house and grown ups to let it bother us too much.  We didn't fully understand the impact of a good credit score, money management, savings and all the other tools that might have started our life together our a bit more smoothly.  As I write this today I honestly have no idea how we made it to this place in our lives.  The road was rough, but full of miraculous opportunities and advancements.  I only had two thing in life that I really wanted and one was to have a baby.  I had always wanted to be a mom and now that I was married I was finally allowed to pursue that dream without the backlash of being the slutty Catholic girl who embarrassed her family by getting knocked up out of wedlock.  

We never used protection and low and behold we ended up pregnant  just shy of two years into our marriage.  We were thrilled and excited.  We didn't really think about the details and finances we were just over the moon with sheer joy. Just days after finding out the glorious news, I was at work when my fallopian tube burst and I was severely hemorrhaging internally.  I was having a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  I was in surgery hours later, had lost one of my fallopian tubes and the baby.  I was crushed.  This was the first time the road of our lives took a drastic hairpin turn.  We never saw it coming and we certainly weren't equipped to handle it.  

The next several years were full of doctors appointments, tests, expensive procedures, depression, drinking too much, working too much, trying too hard and exhausting ourselves trying to achieve a family.  I was hell bent that we had to get pregnant.  I wanted to have the experience.  I didn't want someone else's throw away baby.  I had such tunnel vision on this topic.  I would literally get mad if someone brought up adoption.  I felt useless and broken.  I questioned how John could love me or want to be with me since I couldn't give him a child.  He is adopted, but in my eyes it was unthinkable that we would have to go that route.  In ten years we moved three times, had six or seven new jobs between us and were looking for anything to fill the huge gabbing hole that was the missing child in our lives.  I'm not sure how it all came to be, but we decided that we were working so hard to pay for a house we were never at because we were working so hard.  We missed each other and were so disconnected because of it.  This is the next time our lives took a very, very unexpected turn down a side street of unknown adventure.

We decided that enough was enough and we needed to shake things up and simplify.  We decided to move to Michigan so John could attend paramedic school and we could have a two year adventure living somewhere else.  I had never ever wanted to leave my hometown and simply couldn't believe we were gonna go for it.  John got a job at a local hospital and I just wanted a couple months off to clear my head and reconnect with John.  We went from a four bedroom two and a half bath house to a  two bedroom apartment.  This is one of the examples of how we always seem to do things backwards.  We had been married nearly 13 years at this time and had never lived in an apartment, so now we decide to try that out.  I loved it!!  Easy to clean, no responsibility and a whole new adventure of learning a new city.  I new that with this move I would have time to look into adoption, but honestly still didn't want to pursue it.  John worked with a lady named Sue who had already adopted five kids from Russia as a single parent.  She just couldn't believe we had been married so long, wanted a baby so badly and just hadn't adopted.  I knew she was right and conceded to proceed with investigating adoption.  Sue decided to go through the process with us and since she was a pro, I didn't research a thing, I just followed her lead.  We both ended up adopting little boys from Ukraine in the fall of 2004.  I was finally a mom at 34 years old.  The first year was so rough.  I had become insta-mom to a traumatized two year old who didn't understand me and had been living in an orphanage all his life.  He was afraid of everything and quite frankly so was I.  We had beautiful moments, but a lot of not so beautiful ones as well.  I constantly felt guilty and had a very hard time bonding the way I thought I was supposed to.  I had nearly thirty nieces and nephews at this time and living through each one of my sisters or sister-in-laws' pregnancies was like being tortured for nine months.  I struggled with jealousy, envy, anger, frustration and sometimes hate.  Here I was a mom and I still didn't feel part of the club.  I know now that all of that crap was just me mourning the life I thought I would have.  I'm not sure if I have even still totally accepted my infertility, but I have learned to live with it.  I will go to my grave feeling robbed from the experience of carrying a baby inside of me. 

Buckle your seatbelt, here comes another crazy turn in the road.  Just a little over two years from coming home from Ukraine with our boys, Sue fell deathly ill and landed in the hospital with a severe case of sepsis.  John worked in the ER with her, the very one she was rushed to on a mid April evening in 2007.  John called me from work to fill me in and when we realized the paramedics left all the kids at the house alone, we agreed that since I wasn't working, I needed to head to her house and make sure the kids were ok.  It wasn't looking good and John called me throughout that night to fill me in.  At some points they weren't even sure she would live through that night.  She did, but just a couple months later, she succumbed to the sepsis and passed away in the very early morning of her kids last day of school.  Eleven days later we were all in court and John and I became all five of the kids co-full permanent guardians.  We went from one kid to six overnight.  This adventure is a book in itself.  We moved into a big, beautiful house in Grandville and the adventure began.  We were now parents to 2 toddlers, 2 high schoolers and every age in between.  The two year adventure to Michigan is coming up on it's 14 year anniversary.  We truly love it here and see now that this was where God would bring us to our family.

If you haven't puked from the twists and turns of this story yet, here comes a loopdy-loop that brought delight to all of us.  At a random breakfast out alone during summer break, John and I engaged in a very serious conversation.  This breakfast ended resulting in John being able to get a new dog and me being able to pursue an infant adoption.  I know, crazy, but true.  Just three months later we were the proud parents to a baby Boston terrier named Apollo and in full pursuit of a new baby to love.  In September of 2011 we were selected by an awesome gal named Grace to adopt her baby boy due that November.  Matthew came into the world on a Friday morning and he has brought so much joy to our lives.  We had already seen our two daughters graduate from High School, but now we were facing the scary unknown world of infancy.  Another time we did things backwards.  We had a unique dynamic in our family that many don't experience.  John, Nick and I had our memories and habits and the other kids had their memories and stories together.  The most wonderful thing about Matthew is that he was everyone's.  We all got to experience his infancy together and we all share every memory of him.  He is the common denominator for this family and he is deeply loved.

Matthew is five years old and we have lived in this house for ten years now.  You guessed it, it's time to shake things up again.  I never was much of a dreamer, but I always had two very distinct dreams floating around in my head.  Matthew's birth was truly a dream come true.  We enjoyed all of the challenges and experiences that having an infant brought.  We would both do it all over again and can see now why some people go on to have 10 plus babies.  Dream number one was in the books, so now it's time to go after dream number two.  This is the journey to that dream.