A REALLY ROUGH (TYPICAL) DAY!

Honesty, I love it.  I'm a very honest person, sometimes to a fault.  I expect it from others and I truly try to be as honest as I can and authentic in whatever I do and whomever I interact with.  The funny thing about this is that the people I am closest too and spend the most time with lie like it's involuntary like taking a breath or their heart beating.  I'm convinced it's hard wired in their brains when they were little and traumatized by their very unsure and difficult infancies.  No matter why and no matter how much I try to understand or have empathy for all the reasons.  It takes me to my knees every single time.  It can take the wind out of my sails and deflate me in a matter of seconds.  I get so overwhelmed and hurt every single time.  I spend more time wondering why I can't just deal with it or accept it that the lie itself took to say or do.

So why do I care so much?  I think for me it's a control thing.  It makes me feel so out of control because over the years I've become almost paranoid.  It affects every decision and I have to agonize over every simple question that is asked of me because I don't trust anyone and I feel like I will get burned no matter what I do.  This entire dynamic has made parenting for me so friggin hard.  I wanted to be a mom so badly and when I get in these pits, I wonder why?  I question everything and I feel like a complete and total fraud and failure.  Ask anyone close to me.  When people tell me I'm so amazing for taking all these kids, I kind of shutter, because i feel anything but amazing.  It's ugly around here and it doesn't look pretty.  We yell all the time, seem to be constantly mad and frustrated and most days spinning our wheels.  It feels like that movie GroundHog Day here everyday.  I'm waiting for Sonny and Cher to be on the radio and for it all to start over again.  I don't feel very inspired ever and I sometimes feel like I'm on a babysitting job and the parents just won't come home.

It this honest enough for ya?  I know that people all have issues and put their best stuff on Facebook like I do, but when I see others having seemingly normal lives with their kids, I get so jealous and frustrated that we can't just have that.  Why does EVERYTHING have to be hard here?  I'm posing a ton of questions here, but I don't have some great theological, inspiring reason to wrap this up in a pretty bow.  I hope someday I will and I hold on to that.  I know God is with me and that He has called me to be these kids mom at this time and so I move forward everyday.  I sometimes remind my self that if I was a meek, soft spoken, weak, afraid personality, I would've taken myself out a long time ago.  I guess God knew i needed to be a mean, tough SOB to survive this season and God willing will forgive me and help my kids move past the hurts, bad habits and behaviors that plague them now.

Every parent wants their kids to "turn out good".  I'm no different and everyday I question if that will ever happen.  I never dreamed I'd have to do so much life coaching every single day just to get through playing outside or putting out ten fires because a friend stopped over.  I know I'm being vague, but I don't have the energy to explain what all the dynamics R.A.D., A.D.H.D., F.A.S.D., Tourettes, O.D.D. and all the other crap we deal with here look like.  Feel free to check it out on your own.  I don't have any biological children and so I don't see myself and my habits in my kids, but I see potential and I see their frustration too.  I hope we can figure this all out and one day look back and laugh.  Until then I will pray and complain which is how I release tension and keep moving forward.